Of Course
by Ithinkyoullknxw
Summary: Why risk it all for something that could be nothing. But then why not risk it all for something that could so easily become everything? Nick tells Carla how he really feels.


**_I'd never ask you cos deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say. You'd say I'm sorry, believe me, I love you, but not in that way_**

Half a bottle of wine later and Carla was still no closer to feeling an ounce better about herself or her miserable life. In fact, she probably felt worse. She didn't want to leave this place. She didn't want to leave the people she'd once classed as mates behind and especially not those that had still stuck by her. This place was all she knew. The street, the poxy factory she hadn't even wanted but had grown to adore. It wasn't much but this was home. A haunted street of memories.

The knocking at her door echoing through the silence made her stomach flip. She knew who it was immediately and as Carla blew out a deep breath, she moved to stand by the door.

"Now now, Nick. Not tonight."

"How did you know it was me?"

"The buzzer didn't ring for a start. And anyway, you did that stupid knock again." She would have smiled at the memory of one of many conversations with him if she hadn't been so empty.

"Are you gonna let me in?" Nick shuffled his feet against the floor quietly, nervously. He didn't know why he was so nervous, he'd been here a hundred times before, if only in his head.

"No."

"No?"

"No."

Silence followed and Carla assumed he'd give up, but she never was that lucky. She heard the sound of his body lean against the door as he sunk the to the floor and she frowned slightly, rolling her eyes. "Nick, give it up. I'm not in the mood."

"I'm not leaving until you hear me out."

Carla didn't answer but slowly, she found herself mimicking his actions on the other side of the door and she could hear the tap of his fingers against the hard floor. She pulled her legs up to her chest with a sigh and waited for him to make the first move.

"You've always been an irritating cow."

Carlas eyebrows raised as she scoffed, "Ha and there was me thinking you liked me!"

"No I mean it, you used to do my head in walking round in your sky high boots and that stupid look on your face"

"Oi! What look?"

"The look that says I'm brilliant and I know it. Haven't seen it in a while although can't say I used to look that hard back then."

"Is that you admitting you've been looking at me, Nicholas?"

"I've been doing a lot more than look, Carla. Cos these last few months, I've been looking. But I've been seeing. You know? Really seeing."

"What is this Nick some kind of the theropy session, a confessional? Cos if it is, I'd really rather the whole world didn't hear."

"Well then let me in."

"In fact I'd rather not do it at all." She interrupted quickly. She was pushing him away. She had to push him away, because the alternative only meant him getting hurt or Erica getting hurt and neither of them deserved it. She might, but they didn't.

Nick stayed quiet for a moment, lost in his thoughts. This wasn't exactly how he had wanted to spend his evening, sitting on a dirty floor in the hallway of his flat building against the door of the most hated woman he'd ever met. How could you hate her? All Nick wanted to do was fix her. Be a friend, be something more.

"Erica is amazing you know." He could almost hear Carla's eyes rolling. "Really, I mean she's attractive, a laugh, she's certainly experienced-"

"Oh please, if you really think you telling me how much you love your girlfriend is what I need to hear right now, you're very much mistaken, Nicholas. I'm very sorry I'm not as good company, I'm sorry I'm not her, trust me." He wishes he could see the look on her face right now.

"Will you just shut up and listen for once in your blimmin' life. God, you're infuriating."

Carla half smirked, "Charming. What is this anyway, Carla bashing day or summit?" She sighed softly and stopped speaking, as much as it hurt to listen to someone she truly has feelings for talking about the person he truly had feelings for, she at least owed him a few minutes of her time. "Just say what you came to say Nick and then you can go. I'm really tired." Such a lie. She was so much more than tired.

"Having feelings for someone though, it's awful in't it. I mean it's amazing but it's like torturing yourself. Especially in the early days. You just want to be with them all the time. I find excuses to be around her all the time. I make stupid jokes just to hear that bloody laugh of hers. When she's happy, I'm really happy. And when she's sad, well it hurts. I hate it, I'd do anything not to make her sad. I didn't realise before, or I didn't admit it anyway. How I felt about her. That's the problem."

Carla was grateful she'd kept the door between them because she'd hate for him to see the silent tears tumbling down her cheeks now. She squeezed her eyes shut in a futile bid to hide her torment, "Problem? If you've got all that, Nicky then you should be on top of the world."

"It's a problem because I'm not talking about Erica. That's the thing Carla, you're right. You're not her. And more importantly, she's not you." He'd said it. Finally, and the words hung around the air, clinging to them both, suffocating them. "Please let me in, Car'" her breath caught in her throat at the way her shortened name sounded falling from his lips and she swore it was the first time he had ever said it.

"I can't, Nick. I want to, god, believe me I want to but I can't." She'd long since given up trying to hide the way her voice was shaking.

"Course you can. What's stopping you?" He just wanted to see her, to beg her to stay and tell her that this changed everything. She could stick around now, surely he as worth staying for, he really hoped he was worth staying for.

"I could let you in, Nick. I could tell you I feel the same and I could take you to bed and it would be nice. It'd be a damn sight more than nice. But tomorrow, in the cold light of day, you'd regret it, you'd leave and the friendship we've made would be gone. Because it's not enough, Nick. And you know why? Because you're here telling me instead of telling your girlfriend. And tomorrow when you've had what you want from me, what you're craving because you think you want that and so much more, you'll realise what a mess you've made. And you'll leave me. Because everyone always leaves."

Nick ran his hands over his face at her confessions. It hurt him to know how little she thought of him, but he knows it was through no doings of his or even hers. She's been burnt more than most, and why risk it all for something that could be nothing. But then why not risk it all for something that could so easily become everything?

"I'll leave her."

"Don't. Don't you dare make promises you won't keep." She'd been there before and she couldn't bare to be there again. This time she knew, it really was just a pipe dream.

"Carla, please-"

It took all the strength she has to shake her head and pull herself up. "I'm not gonna let you in so you can go now." He was saying everything she wanted, he was so tangible, but she wouldn't give in. "Goodnight Nick." She whispered and a few moments later, she heard him whisper back, "goodnight Carla."

She listened to the sounds of him pulling himself up with a sigh and stood with her arms folded in front of the door. She waited for the inevitable sound of his footsteps walking away from her flat, away from her. But they never came.

And when Carla slowly opened the door to her flat a long while later, of course she was faced with a worn looking Nick. Of course he hadn't left, of course he hadn't given up.

Nicks hand tentitively took Carla's and she didn't fight when he pulled her in for a kiss, the first proper kiss they had shared when sober and yet her favourite one already.

Of course they tumbled into bed together and of course he spent the night.

And the next day, of course he left.

But much to Carla's disbelief, he came back.

And of course, he kept his promise.


End file.
